There's a fine line between having a life and living a life. I suppose a desicion is made, perhaps in the morning, perhaps after the first cup of coffee to either mindfully lift your feet and place them one in front of the other, moving forward, or just moving. And then there is a choice to not walk, to stand and look over the shoulder pondering your surroundings and wondering if what lies ahead is any more appealing.
I have a lot of unfinished business. I'm so disenchanted with it all...yes, I know, exhasperating, another overwhelmed (and at times underwhelmed) soul. I realize I'm to marvel at the miracle of life and the majesty in the myriad of lights in the sky. I'm just not that impressed with this reality of ours.
Everything seems so predictable. On the news I'm guaranteed to see something about another soldier missing a leg, or an arm, or reduced to a mere stump full of American pride. On the streets I'm sure to find a Ford truck with a Fuck Saddam or a Support our Troops magnet slapped to the tailgate. In local news another city will reject adding gays and lesbians to the anti-discrimination laws because the voters feel it would be going against their strong morale values to add such a clause.
I watch us lose our humanity and replace it with more stratification. We're reinforcing our stereotypes, because we're afraid of what we would be without them. Who would we be without a mold to look at and say, "this is where I come from."
Sometimes it's easier to stand still, wrap your arms around yourself and hold the only thing you have control over, protecting it from unseen forces. Sometimes taking steps forward seems pointless knowing how many of those unseen forces are ready, somewhere down that path, to knock you on your ass and laugh in your face.
I'm not giving up. I'm just taking a pause to really look at things. Hoping to see past it all and find the inertia of the universe, that which causes stars to explode or implode depending on the mass of the matter. And in their wake planets and life may form, or there is always the alternative; the black hole where not even light can escape.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Get me some Moon Boots
I received yet another job rejection letter in the mail today. I'm starting to wonder if I should start lowering my standards to such things as 'waiter' and 'stock boy.' It's just so frustrating, because I HAD a really good job, and I did it really well, and I am qualified to do a lot of things...but alas, no degree.
I still don't regret quitting my last job. I got out while I still had a sliver of soul left. I'm thinking this unemployment gig will chew up what's left, or at least my shriveling self esteem will.
It's very snowy. (Yes, a change of subject is happening...it's called self-preservation.) We probably got about 8 inches of the white stuff the other day. A lot of people were bitching about it, you know, "I hate drivin' in it," or "It makes your feet cold." But I love the snow. Makes it seem okay I'm not leaving my house.
Winter was such a fun time when I was a kid. Do kids still do fun stuff in the snow? I'm so out of touch. We had some really great sledding hills in my neighborhood...wasn't just once I got the wind knocked out of me from slamming down hard on a good jumpin' hill. One time I thought for sure we killed my baby sister when she hit so hard she didn't breathe for what seemed like 5 minutes. First thing out of my mouth of course was, "Don't tell mom."
One of our favorite sledding spots was called "The Tunnel." It was an old culvert which ran under Burlington hill, across from the prison. In the winter it would freeze over, producing a very fast, and probably quite dangerous luge.
We always walked up the hill through the tunnel, which was pitch black inside in the evenings. It probably would've been easier to just walk above ground on the hill, but part of the excitement was walking up in the darkness.
Also, you wanted to make sure there were no animals, especially dead ones. One time my sister M. ran into a dead possum going down and it flung up onto her lap. I was nearly deafened by the screams comming out of her mouth. They reverberated against the cold concrete walls of "The Tunnel."
One of my favorite Winters as a kid we had a terrible ice storm. Nothing quite as dramatic as the film with the same title. As far as I know, my parents didn't throw any key parties...Ugh, the thought.
Our street in front of our house was old cobblestone, and that winter it rained about 2 inches of ice in one night. The roads were impossible to drive on, and so much of the town was shut down...including the schools. The kids in the neighborhood dug out their ice skates and for three days straight skated on the front street.
When the ice melted, it seemed almost strange to see cars driving on the roads again. It was a skating rink.
It was also winter when I discovered why some fences were called electric. Goes right through the gloves it does. An older friend of mine told me my stocking hat spun around in the air a few times when I grabbed that fence. Luckily he got me to laugh, so I wouldn't have to cry in front of 'the boys.'
Above all, the most favorite thing to do in the snow when I was a kid was something we called, "moon jumpin'." It's quite easy to do, the only equipment you need is a big 'ol pair of moon boots and big hill with lots of trees and lots of snow. You start at the top, and you jump all the way down, using the trees to grab onto, so you don't fall face first in the snow. Which you do, and that's okay, because some times you fall face first.
Maybe that's what I need...some moon boots.
I still don't regret quitting my last job. I got out while I still had a sliver of soul left. I'm thinking this unemployment gig will chew up what's left, or at least my shriveling self esteem will.
It's very snowy. (Yes, a change of subject is happening...it's called self-preservation.) We probably got about 8 inches of the white stuff the other day. A lot of people were bitching about it, you know, "I hate drivin' in it," or "It makes your feet cold." But I love the snow. Makes it seem okay I'm not leaving my house.
Winter was such a fun time when I was a kid. Do kids still do fun stuff in the snow? I'm so out of touch. We had some really great sledding hills in my neighborhood...wasn't just once I got the wind knocked out of me from slamming down hard on a good jumpin' hill. One time I thought for sure we killed my baby sister when she hit so hard she didn't breathe for what seemed like 5 minutes. First thing out of my mouth of course was, "Don't tell mom."
One of our favorite sledding spots was called "The Tunnel." It was an old culvert which ran under Burlington hill, across from the prison. In the winter it would freeze over, producing a very fast, and probably quite dangerous luge.
We always walked up the hill through the tunnel, which was pitch black inside in the evenings. It probably would've been easier to just walk above ground on the hill, but part of the excitement was walking up in the darkness.
Also, you wanted to make sure there were no animals, especially dead ones. One time my sister M. ran into a dead possum going down and it flung up onto her lap. I was nearly deafened by the screams comming out of her mouth. They reverberated against the cold concrete walls of "The Tunnel."
One of my favorite Winters as a kid we had a terrible ice storm. Nothing quite as dramatic as the film with the same title. As far as I know, my parents didn't throw any key parties...Ugh, the thought.
Our street in front of our house was old cobblestone, and that winter it rained about 2 inches of ice in one night. The roads were impossible to drive on, and so much of the town was shut down...including the schools. The kids in the neighborhood dug out their ice skates and for three days straight skated on the front street.
When the ice melted, it seemed almost strange to see cars driving on the roads again. It was a skating rink.
It was also winter when I discovered why some fences were called electric. Goes right through the gloves it does. An older friend of mine told me my stocking hat spun around in the air a few times when I grabbed that fence. Luckily he got me to laugh, so I wouldn't have to cry in front of 'the boys.'
Above all, the most favorite thing to do in the snow when I was a kid was something we called, "moon jumpin'." It's quite easy to do, the only equipment you need is a big 'ol pair of moon boots and big hill with lots of trees and lots of snow. You start at the top, and you jump all the way down, using the trees to grab onto, so you don't fall face first in the snow. Which you do, and that's okay, because some times you fall face first.
Maybe that's what I need...some moon boots.
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