I am a non-smoker now. Something I really didn't see happening...the not smoking thing that is. I really enjoyed smoking. I was good at it.
Now I am just manic. I find it very hard to sit still for very long. That feeling that something isn't right is too much and I have to DO something to alleviate it.
You know the feeling I am talking about. It's that little hole we are all born with that nags at us. The feeling that there is something missing from our lives. So, we do stuff, or smoke stuff, or snort stuff, or buy stuff to make the feeling go away. But it doesn't. No matter how many things we try to shove into the void it just won't go away. A void is a void.
Is it just part of our human condition, this feeling of want.
I got Eastern for a bit. Studied the Tao a bit, took a gander at the Bhagavad Gita, thumbed through some Buddhist teachings. I thought they had a pretty good grasp on the whole "void" thing.
From what I gathered from the little I really do know...this void is kind of a spiritual nudge. We have convinced ourselves we are all separate. You are separate from me, I am seperate from this keyboard...when in all truth there is no boundary. Think about it...can you tell me where YOU start and where YOU end? I am not talking about 'You' end at the top of your head...are you the top of your head? Whoa...getting all "rambly" here.
My point is, sort of, that this emptiness is just a reminder that we should come home. What that means exactly, I don't have a fuckin' clue. It just feels right. I am sure the Christians would connect it with our falling out, or away from, God. I don't know if I believe that because that would mean we are seperate from God...and that just can't be. How could it be that in the beginning all there was, was God...and then he created the Earth and Heavens, including us and the fishes and stuff, seperate from Him. There would be no 'seperate' from that which is everything...but really not a thing in the first place. Whoa. I really should jump off of this train of thought.
So, anyway, I have been feeling lost as of late. Hence the quasi-spiritual purge.
I went shopping for a new bed with my Boyfriend today. I can't help but feel odd doing such things with him. We are gay, I am okay with that...I have to be it's my life. However, a lot of the world is NOT okay with that, and buying a bed together just advertises to those at the furniture shop that we sleep together. I know I shouldn't give a shit what they think, but I can't help but think of the things going through their head. It disgusts me that they might think I am disgusting.
I find I am a little sensitive to the way people treat each other, anyway. I just don't get hate. I know that sounds trite. But, damn it, it is true. I just don't get us and our crazy prejudices and
fears. We start off so accepting and curious of the world, and then somewhere our spongy brains sucks up enough poison that our soul spoils, and we fear the world.
We are all so damned scared and alone.
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