Can it rain all the time?

If my life is going tragically, or at least in my perception seems tragic, I don't write about it. One would think these would be the most opportune times to get your emotions on paper (or cyber as the case may be) to analyze their rawness and make an a attempt at figuring one's self. (note: not "Fingering" that's a different post.)

The truth is when when my life is spiraling out of the control while the rest of the world is humming Britany Spears, I want to at least be in denial about things. Not trudge em up and relive them daily...how can I possibly devise a sufficient escape measure if I'm actually thinking about all of the bloody mistakes I make.

I'm still in denial about the U.S. presidential election. Our country is becoming more and more conservative...and more and more Christian, or psuedo-Christian. What's the big deal, conservatives wonder?..."We have morales and family values in mind."

Well, shit, they don't have the corner-market on them. You can have moraltiy without governing a country through the cultural values of a manuscript(s) thousands of years old. Government should not be dictating social aspects. It should not be ammending the constitution for marital rights under the guise of protection of the sanctity of this most blessed union. Hell, this "most blessed union" can be performed in Vegas by Elvis, or it can be part of an ellaborate hoax on Must See Reality T.V. So, don't give me the "protection" of Marriage of bullshit. Marriage has been shat on long before gay people started complaining they wanted to be recognized as partners in life and death, as well.

Then there is the money being appropriated for Abstinence education in schools, in lieu of safe sex education. Do we really need an entire curriculum teaching a girl to say, "Get your hand off my dress or I'll pop your testes?"

The diseases don't care if they were morally prepared for sex or not. We are preparing our students for the future. Let's say a young chap or lassy decides to hold off on sex till marriage. Once they do get married they will still need that STD education they would've learned in High School.

Something is happening in America and it makes me very uncomfortable. I know the extremists in the Christianish religion are glad to see things sliding their way. Hell, they've been praying for the sins and dirty souls of America for years and now they're finally going to get some control in the White House.

Finally people will stop looking at homosexuality as something you're born with and they will finally understand it is a sickness. The only hope for the gay man is to turn his back on perversion and find a lovely Christian wife and they can pray together to rid him of this demon. (He will then go on to get AIDS from some Adult Bookstore blowjob...or turn to a defensless young boy, perhaps of the altar variety...but hey, he'll have a wife and go to church on Sundays.)

Finally people will realize that life begins as soon as that little sperm rams himself into the lining of the egg. At this moment the glory of God fills this zygote with a soul. Any removal of this bundle of cells is equivalent to murder. Abortion, no less evil than murder, will be made illegal. (And the number of women dying in back-alley abortions will skyrocket and more babies will be found in dumpsters. A much more pleasant future, I think.)

Enough politics aside. I get a bit angry when I think about how stupid Americans really are. That's right, I said it, and Freedom of Speech let's me say it. Now, fuck off if it offends you.

My cat, Toby disappeared. At first his younger brother Charlie was under suspicion of holing Toby up in a wall somewhere to ensure he would receive all of the attention, until I realized this scenario was a bit...um insane.

It's odd, though. We never saw Toby run out the door. We've become so accustomed to him making attempts at freedom every time we left, that it was almost second nature to push him back with a foot, or pick em up and toss him into the dining room to have more time to get out the door.

But he's gone. I realized about a week ago late at night that I hadn't seen Mr. Tobes in quite a long time. I checked all of his normal hiding places, and then I woke up D. to inform him I think Toby had pulled a secret agent move and somehow escaped.

We searched the house again, literally (no you dumbass, figuratively) tipping over furniture looking, but Toby was nowhere to be found. We drove around a bit, and still no Toby.

I've done my crying and my late night shouting out the backdoor. We made posters and posted them all over town, but still no Toby. D is convinced he has hooked up with a pit bull and they're off having marvelous adventures like in the movies. I reminded him in the movies the pets were usually trying to get home, adventure being a side bonus. Our cat ran FROM home. He is a bastard kitty, and he has no idea how well off he had it here, or how much his retarded brother, Charlie misses him. (I've moved to the anger phase...can you tell?)

I miss Mr. Tobes.

D. and I spent the Thanksgiving holiday with my family this year. It was nice having D with me at a family event. It was our first Thanksgiving together, as we usually separate and go off to our own families.

My mom was very glad he could make it. Actually my whole family was, not to jump onto a tangent, but if America reacted to gays and lesbians the way a true family does...well, then none of this bickerin' would be goin' on, now would it? These morality rules and social sanctions come from fear and disgust, and they wrap it in their distorted socially outdated christian bullshit and say it's for the sake of the morale heart of America. How ridiculous and dark-age fringe speak.

So, Thanksgiving. It was odd. My eldest sister and her two demon children were absent, because she and her husband decided to have their own, intimate Thanksgiving. That wasn't the real case, of course, they just didn't like my step family, or our youngest sister's boyfriend/father-of-her-children. She's a bit snooty that way. Peoples is Peoples I say.

My mother wasn't herself, which could be attributed to the Vicadin and Valium. This was the little pharmaceutical coctail her doctor has her on to deal with the pain in her back. The only problem is mom is slightly prone to depression, so she may not feel the pain in her back, but the drugs amplify the ambient pain of an unsatisfactory life.

She sat in silence a lot at the table while kids yelled and laughed, grandpa talked about his favourite slot machines at the casino riverboat, my stepdad talked about farting or titties, my sister Mendy went on and on about watching Codes in the ER or "bagging" a dying patient...she wants us to know she does very interesting things...that she's an interesting person...so much noise in the room...and I watch mom whose eyes are tired staring off at a spot I can not see. She isn't smiling...and I wonder how badly she wants to go to that spot that I can not see. How badly she wants to just fade away right there in front of the Turkey and the sweet potato pie.

My mom hasn't been able to work in almost two years because she has severe osteo-arthritis. She has had about 6 surgeries in the past few years, including a total hip replacement and her vertabrae fused. She has been on pain management medication of various sorts for years...and her government disability is still feuding whether or not she DESERVES benifits.

Before I arrived, my mom sat in a dark bedroom sobbing. The hard kind of sobbing where you can only mutter words between gasps and your mouth tastes of salt. My youngest sister found her and sat down next to her, rubbing her back in slow wide circles.

"What's wrong, mom?"

I can't do this anymore....I'm a nobody. I should just take a bottle of pills...I'm a nobody."

I understand how she feels.

To finish up...I have bills coming up again...I can't find a job, I couldn't get unemployment benifits, no one in my family to turn to...What the fuck am I going to do?????? I've pawned everything of value. When you have nothing to contribute you feel, I feel, like a nobody...Something has to change, right? What's that god-awful line from the Crow, that secretly I just love,

"It can't rain all the time."

The hell it can't!