Sometimes I don't think I'm that much different than the rabbits. Okay, sure, I don't feel as though there are people, things, out there lying in wait to kill me, but I am driven by fear. Fear keeps me from doing so many things.
Knowing fear is hard, because fear is such a small thorn that becomes embedded. I think I tend to recognize my body's defensive mechanism to cover and encase the fear. For example, I tend to totally pretend that certain bills don't exist. Sometimes, the dread of them creeps up on me, but then I eat, drink, or smoke something to make the feeling go away...so I don't have to think about it anymore. I never truly stand up to the fear and recognize its true nature, and this is why I rarely learn and grow from the things that cause me fear. I just find ways to not think about them.
The only big fear I ever confronted was when I wrote to my grandfather telling him how much my life was affected by him wanting to stick his dick in my ass. I don't think it solved anything. He half-ass acknowledged my feelings, and pulled the 'ol "look over there!" trick to get me to actually feel sorry for him.
I feel crippled, today. I am realizing how many things I don't confront, and how many of my friends are living the same life. So many little prisons, self-constructed.
I want a "Do-Over" token.
That's all I got.
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