Forgetting How to Walk 06.18.03

I drive too much, now. It wasn't until this last year that I even had a car to drive. Before that I had spent the previous 4 years walking everywhere, or taking public transport. (Public transport? I have nothing to wear for public trasport!)

I forgot how nice it is to walk in the open air. Driving just allows me to reinforce the non-social behaviours that I have. Walking forces me to 'walk amongst the people.' And this is something I need to do more...I am becoming so sucked into my own private life with my own little garden, and I am becoming better and better at denial.

I have so many issues to deal with and I just sort of float on by, never quite acknowledging them, or thinking of a solution. I have been so enraptured with the idea that good takes care of self. That right mind, and good intention will see you through till the end. And that, my friends, is fantasy land. But, I can't let it go.

So many people live in the denial state, really. Change seems so much scarier than our day to day droll. So, we deal, and move on (or in this case, not.) Picking up vices and secretly (or not so secretly if in a group) hate those who make it. Who are successful in life, i.e. truly happy.

We always try to figure out a way to perpetuate a cycle we are in. For example if a couple is in a bad relationship they try to put the focus back on the purpose. Even if the purpose is not enough, or truly mutual. They may have another child, so they can focus on the child together. "Oh look what our child did," or, "isn't our child wonderful." Sure, the child is, kind of, but the relationship sucks. And it will come back around to that eventually. Then the child suffers, too.

I am doing this with my trees. I focus all of this energy on them to care for them, and to nuture them. "Look at my lovely trees," I think. And I do, and they are, but taking care of little trees is not going to get my credit in good standing, bring my father back into my life (if that is even meant to be,) make me come to terms with the inner kid who is bruised and pissed, or pull my feet back down to the ground.

"You've got your head in the clouds, kid."

Flying is great, but what happens when you forget how to walk? What happens then?

Peace.