It is just fucked up that we only see each other for Christmas, and I really believe that is only because we just happen to be at the same place at the same time. We are very civil...he kind of reminds me of Grizzly Adams, but with a much shorter beard.
Hmmmm, actually he is a lot like Grizzly Adams. You know Grizzly, he moved to the Mountain top to live with a bear, and be best friends with a gold digger and his trusty mule No. 9. Okay, so my dad hasn't done any of those things, but he does wear flannel a lot, loves to hunt, and has the same eyes. Warm, but non-committal.
Maybe it is because I am what the locals call, 'gay,' but part of me thinks that it wouldn't matter, anyway. I suppose the only way it would matter is if I was a totally different person. If I loved hunting, gunsmithing, and voted republican I might have a better chance with him.
It's weird, I am pretty sure he was a hippy once. Or at least part hippy. I know he smoked pot quite a bit. My mom told me that. He still seems a bit high, or just really tired. Considering the type of person my step-mom is its probably the latter.
My dad works for the BN-Santa Fe railroad, and has as long as I can remember. Doesn't sound like the best company to work for, unless you are union, which my Dad is not. I am pretty sure he wants to retire, but he won't get back all he has earned unless he toughs it out until the bitter end. I can see, in his eyes, how much it is taking it (what is it, anyhow?) out of him.
I remember one time I unloaded on good 'ol Dad. I told him how much I had wanted him to come to my school functions when I was kid, and how I didn't think he knew who I was, really, and that I sure as hell didn't know him, except through stories my Grandmother told. I sent the email feeling a bit guilty, because maybe he did try his best, but he just worked too hard, and the railroad moved him around a lot which made it difficult for us to spend time together.
I never got closure on these things that the kid in me can't get over. My stepmother read the email before my Dad did and deleted it. She wrote me and told me how inconsiderate I was to write such an email, and how my sister and I were ungrateful and hadn't earned anything from my dad.
I felt crushed. She always seemed to win. My dad does anything for her. He put her through school twice, but she never got a job...any job. She just stays at home and smokes and 'keeps house.' Oh, and my dad was her 5th marriage.
They really have something, though. I mean they 'get' each other. I think my dad really likes to take care of her, and I am okay with that, but it just would have been nice if at some point he would have taken care of My sister and I. We really aren't so bad. Turned out quite nice, I must say.
I do think about him, and it is not uncommon I will have dreams that we are close. Often times we are 'rock hunting' together...usually in the bad lands, but the ground is made of black obsidian and we are popping diamonds from out of it.
I also have a lot of dreams about having a big brother. He always just kind of fades away at the end of the dreams and I wake up really upset that he never existed.
And I wonder why I am gay.
Peace.
Oh, and a P.S
I read this is in FOUND Magazine.
It was graffiti on a bathroom wall:
My mother made me
a homosexual
Cool, If I buy her
some yarn will she knit one
for me?
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