My backyard...last winter.
It's December 13th.
December 13th and Christmas is so close. I'm feeling unbelievably uncomfortable about the holidays this year. This is going to be the first year in many, many years, I'm not going to have any money to spend on gifts for the family. Now, I don't know what that means to everyone. Everyone's family celebrates the holidays in different ways. But to my family it seems very important to buy a gift for everyone...that includes grandparents, nieces (4), nephews (3), siblings (3) with step(5.) Then there's of course Mother, who deserves the best gift.. deserves much more than I could ever afford.
This year, as of right now, I have absolutely nothing to spend on my family. I have NO money. Last year at this time I was making about 50,000 dollars a year. Now, I don't know what that means to some people, but to me and my lifestyle it's a lot of money. I hate to say it, but it made the holidays so much better. I wish I could say money doesn't matter, and isn't about buying things for people, but spending time with them. But I can't, because it just doesn't seem to be that way.
My family has drifted a part the last few years. I feel, somewhat there has been some 'siding.' As in, either you accepted the baby sister back into the family with open arms, despite her drug use, despite her questionable relationship with the father of her kids who happens to be 10 years older than she. My two sisters sorta think my youngest sister is, well...trash. They've said it many times. I still think of her as my baby sister, not blindly...I'm aware of the life she has lead, but we all go through different shit, and make different desicions. I've seen that she has learned from her experience and now she's gettin' by. And for some people that's pretty damned good, considering. Of course the division in our family isn't so simple...what family dynamic ever is?
My mother is effected the most with the drifting. Her whole life is us kids, and our kids, though I don't have any...my sister's children are very important to my mother. Mother has always voiced her concern she was never a good enough mother. She feels horrible she stayed with our first stepfather for so long, despite the abuse. And then she found out this year her father had been molesting me for 12 years, well...that revelation didn't quite pull us all together. It's been a difficult year for our family.
Everything seems to have a shadow...a cloud, a depressive air.
I wish we could all be closer. I haven't spoken to my dad in over two Christmases (this is how we measure time...)and my Grandmother (his mom) in about the same amount of time. I think part of the reason is I am ashamed that I didn't become the person they wanted me to be...even who I wanted to be. Being with them, especially my Grandmother, I remember how good life seemed, and how intent I was at being someone...making a difference...learning...thinking of the world as something to explore. Now, I barely leave the house. Somehow, I became this person, afraid of so many things, although fear is probably not the proper word. It's just, for example, when I meet people...I have to represent myself...and I don't know what I am representing. Without a job description or educational drive, at least not one documented, I just don't know who to say I am. And without my family I really lost.
I'm so in debt...and I've put D in debt while I try to get a job. Sometimes, I wonder if it was really for the best I quite the job I had worked so hard to get...or at least I worked real hard...and then somehow got this job. It wasn't so much planned. Towards the end I was working for this woman who was very manic, and very good at manipulation to ensure her safety within the corporation. I just couldn't do it on a daily basis, and I figured it would be easy, with my experience to get a pretty decent job. It's not. Unemployment is horrible, and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
I'm going to get some sleep. It's very windy outside...hope it's blowing some good this way.
2 comments:
I will be praying for your money and job situation. My husband works two jobs and still it feels like we are just getting by. I guess it does not help that he is married to a slight shopaholic???? I hope good things will come your way in the New Year!
One of the many things I dislike about our society is that everyone feels pressured to define themselves by what they do. You are not your job. You are not your "things". I think most of us objectively know that, but being raised in our culture, we don't know what to substitute for things to give us self-worth. It's a bunch of fucking bullshit, I say. When you describe your anxiety, it sounds a lot like what I went through years ago, before I went on meds for anxiety/depression. Sometimes, it's the best option. I don't really know your situation though.
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