God, Sometimes you just don't come through...01.11.04

I'm going back to work, tomorrow. I took all of last week off, to burn up what vacation I had for 2003, so I wouldn't lose any of it. I suppose I look forward to going back. I really need the work to get my mind off of myself, but then again that is why I took the week off, so I could do some things that needed to get done.

I was supposed to write that letter to my family last week. Tell them about grandfather, and make sure my sisters don't let their children be alone with him. I just couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough to put pen to paper. I'm so afraid to change the very fabric of my family (if families were made of fabric.)

I will do it. I have to do it. I suppose this is just one of those grand sacrifices that must happen. I think I'm developing a Christ complex. What's that Tori Amos line from Crucify, "...Got enough guilt to start my own religion."

When I'm not working, and I decide what I do with all of my time; it isn't such a pretty picture. I am such a narcissist, I just turn all the thoughts inward and I think about all of the stupid mistakes I have made, and all of the crappy things that have happened to me, and "oh, what a life...what a cruel fate." It really is quite humorous the lows I take myself to. I can't blame any abuse in the past for the downward spiral I take my little mind on a daily basis.

I had an argument with God in my shower the other day. Well, not an argument, really, because that would take two sides, and I'm not so far gone that I am actually hearing God's rebuttals.

I was doing the whole, "Why should I kneel and repent to you? When are you going to say 'sorry' to me for the fucked up things I went through as a kid?"

I was really angry, and felt as if it was quite the biblical moment, and I awaited a burning bush, or towel, or perhaps an Angel to burst in and demand to be wrestled, but with all arguments aimed at the Lord and savior it's usually just one voice, mine, and a lot of embarrassment at the end. Like, He is really going to listen while I am bitching with shampoo in my hair.

I suppose I was quite serious at the time. I mean, I am really angry with the whole cosmic system to allow such horrific things to happen to one person, and yet that Hillfeger chic has a show on MTV where she talks about how wonderful she must've been in a past life to deserve all the riches she has in this life. And, then she goes on to say in her next life she wants to be a tree because, "they're really cool."

I deal. God and I have made up since. I apologized today while brushing my teeth. I don't really blame Him for the disgusting things that happened when I was a kid, but I wouldn't mind if He would do a little something to make my adult life a little more bearable. But, then I guess that is the glory of free will...if I want it, I can have it. I just need to find my strength again. Maybe next time I'm washing my hair I'll ask him if he knows where I put it.