What was it I Forgot? 05.06.03

Today at work there were these two girls, donors, who were talking about something they were both reading in some psychologyish class. I overheard what the less giddy of the two girls said, "Yeahh, and, the one was molested until like 25 and she is just now remembering, at the age of 40. Can you believe that? How could you forget something so horrible?"

Phantom memories.

Our memories, or at least my memories, are getting so few and far between. Used to be I would just know all of these great random things from my past. Things probably quite meaningless to other people. Now, however, I have to "conjure" things up. I have to actually focus thought on whatever smidgen of evidence I have from the past. Not unlike some psychic reading the energies of an old watch.

I do find it hard to believe someone can really forget abuse, sexual or physical. My grandfather claimed to have forgotten all of the things he had done to me, and we had a 14 year history of sexual abuse.

I wonder if predators block out the horrible things they do to their victims just as victims do of the things done to them? I can see how there would be just as much of a self-defense mechanism in either case.

As a victim, the spirit can barely live through the ordeal the first time, let alone being forced to relive it over and over in the mind. Shutting it out, for a bit, seems only natural. Of course, thoughts, influences can't really be destroyed, just as energy can not...so it just changes forms and manifests in different ways.

Now, as for the Predator getting caught up in the moment when they are 'in control' and using someone to make themselves feel good and strong can alter their sense of personal morals. When these same acts are viewed upon in retrospect most all of the "rush" has dissipated and then they are left with only a sense of inhumanity. It is only natural to block this out...if they didn't how could they possibly do what makes them feel "good" and "strong" again?

And so the wheel turns...Predator to Victim, Victim into Predator. The one who is controlled always wants eventually to become the controller. Here lies the disease.

So, I had never confronted my grandfather on how it had made me feel being molested by him for 14 years. I say 14 but I am not really sure when it started...it was always there, and I am not really sure when it ended. I have never really been very good at date stamping memories. So, let's just say 14.

Finally, about 5 years ago I decided to write him a letter telling him how much my life has been affected and how I am totally fucked up in so many ways. I also wanted him to know that I didn't hate him anymore and that he was forgiven.

There was a journey to get to this point...but the journey wasn't the point. It was the journey.

I just wanted to create a closure. Although, closures are mostly illusion, as nothing really 'closes.' I will always be affected by the sexual abuse. The only difference between now and 10 years ago is now I choose how it affects me, either a positive way, or a negative way. 10 years ago I didn't realize I had a choice.

Well, the reality was, I never got any kind of closure at all. Grandpa wrote back and said he was surprised I still remembered those things. He said he didn't remember it happening very often and that it was during a time when he was feeling so lonely.

My grandma was dying of Emphysema and she slept in the bedroom down the hall from Grandpa. Her Oxygen machine made a lot of noise, he said, and so he needed to sleep somewhere else. It just made things more convenient for him.

Also, I don't think he could stand to sleep next to grandma as she was constantly fighting for breath. Sometimes, briefly while sleeping, she would stop breathing. It would get so silent, and then she would begin again. Such a long silence.

The fucked up thing...well one of the fucked up things, is even before Grandma was sick he would sleep in the backroom with me on the fold out couch. No one thought that was odd?

I was always told never to tell because people wouldn't understand, and they would probably get really mad. I believed that for such a long, long time. As a kid my realty was I did things that were so wrong and so beyond understanding, and I felt so alone.

Well, not completely alone, because I shared this with him. I will always share this soul-wrenching experience with him, because it never really ends. Even if he would have "remembered" everything and spoke in great detail of his deep remorse, I don't think, still, it would be over. I think forgiving is just the beginning.

I don't even really know what forgiving means. Maybe, letting go? I can tell by the empty spot inside I have let go of it, and it took some other stuff with it. It's messed up how much you have to pay in life. Big fucking dues at this little club...can't wait for the buffet!

Maybe, he has forgotten. Maybe he was just guilty enough to enable him to wipe the slate clean to keep his heart beating. Maybe he is just getting old and that compartment in his brain got dumped like so many other memories. But, the shitty thing was, I wanted him to remember, and I wanted him to be sorry. So sorry and guilty that he could never do this to another person again. I wanted to end the cycle.

Endings sometimes take awhile. This is one of the things I am learning.

I am getting really tired. Point is...shit, I don't know what the point is. People do horrible things to other people, sometimes Grandsons. The crazy thing is this happens to a lot people in life and it can either destroy you or be the catalyst for great strength and growth. I chose, at an early time, the second choice. This doesn't mean it can't still royally fuck up my life and affect all of my relationships, but these are the cards I got, so until it's time to re-deal I best keep my best Poker face.

"Hell, I'm doin' fine, gramps. I'll raise ya five."

Peace.